The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
