Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
