If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize