i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
