So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he was CRYING into my vagina
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
