found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize