My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
