Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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