I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We left the knife in your bed.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
