you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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