did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She said her name was "party"
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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