i just made my gag reflex go away.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
