A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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