Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
we're so committed to being not committed
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
