do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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