I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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