she woke up with a sticky ear
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
