I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
