I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
