everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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