So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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