Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
