dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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