woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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