I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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