Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
