It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
