new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize