I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
