my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
