why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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