Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
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