Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i just had sex bonerless
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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