He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Randomize
