What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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