i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
