I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
