i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
50% drunk capacity currently
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
