Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
