I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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