Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
