Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
