You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
