I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
