Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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