Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
