who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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