I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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