You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
