Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
