She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
