so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
