Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
