I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
