New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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