Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
