woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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