I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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