I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize