Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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